Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
