i wish my penis had a tongue
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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