Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
