Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
