How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
