im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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