I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
