question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
