He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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