Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
