i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
