I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
