PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
