I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I would ride that face into the sunset
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
