Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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