I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
