he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
