If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This baby is an asshole
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All the doctor said was why
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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