I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
