i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
