Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
