i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
