Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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