I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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