I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
