I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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