i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Michael Bay diarrhea
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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