she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
