I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
