Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
