The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You just made me feel so damn special
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
