I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
