my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
