Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
