I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
