before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
