but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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