She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My penis needs a shock collar
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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