I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
