im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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