So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
