This is not my ceiling
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
