I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
