i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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