i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
someone owes me an orgasm
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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