Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
