Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
