Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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