Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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