My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
