First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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