She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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