The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
